Before I step out onto the path of another big adventure, I wanted to create a frame around the why, the who, and the where that so often lead me on my journeys. If you’ve met me in person or had the chance to chat, you might have heard me say, “It was a manic episode,” which is partly true.

I have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), beautifully dramatized in the 19th episode of season 6 of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. To frame this properly, I’m well-managed, self-aware, and generally jovial about what I’ve come to recognize as my normal cycle of womanhood. Many women struggle with different symptoms, levels of severity, and management methods, or worse, don’t even know that there’s a reason behind the chaos.

Here’s a quick rundown so you can understand the pattern, the reason, and the reality. PMDD is characterized by anxiety and depressive episodes that sync with your hormonal cycle in ways that can negatively affect daily life, relationships, and work. From my perspective, I often feel a sudden shift into “not enough hormones” mode as a rainy cloud of dread drifts into view. The next phase feels wet, not in a fun, sexy way, but in the overstimulating, wearing-wet-clothes kind of way.

As I near my menstrual cycle each month, the itchy, soggy feeling grows. Everything around me could be going right, but I’m still drenched, wondering, “Will the rain ever stop?” When things in my life are misaligned, that discomfort is magnified ten to a hundredfold. My anger about those mismatches consumes me. And then, suddenly, it stops. The storm clouds clear, and ope, I’m on my period.

It’s oddly a relief. In celebration of surviving another perceived attack on my happiness, I splurge. I change, dream, write, call my friends, and send memes.

As for solutions? Well… It’s menopause. PMDD will affect menstruating people as long as they have a uterus and a cycle, but there are things that help. What’s brought me peace are counseling (whether with a licensed therapist or through deep, open talks with friends), antidepressants, and the big life changes that made me kinder to myself and more authentic in my work, friendships, and relationships.

Why does any of this matter in a blog about photography and my silly little book series? Because my episodes, both the storms and the sunshine, are what drive me to tell stories and chase adventures.

So let’s tell the story.

Before the books were written, 2023 was a weird year. I spent a lot of time with my therapist, made new friends, and dreamed about my family’s future graduations, travel, memorials, maybe even an engagement to my partner of five years. Some of those things happened. Others didn’t.

While parts of my life trudged forward, my grandmother passed away abruptly, my business faltered, and my PMDD reared its ugly head. It aimed, without mercy, at my partner. I yelled, “Grow up!” and I meant it with my whole being. I’ll even admit that I (completely by accident) smashed his childhood guitar that night. I knew, then, that it was the end of anything we had.

That experience was the first contraction in the birth of my books. Many things were wrong in that relationship—orgasmless, avoidant, self-seeking—and I didn’t even like his band. But in the end, I was the only one left to rebuild, and I got to work making someone I liked. Someone I liked a lot.

That person had to be aligned with my cycles, or it would never work. I practiced being me. I wore what I liked, took jobs that excited me, said no when I needed to, and said “yes” especially when anxiety was the only thing holding me back. I broke the spell that made me believe I could only exist as half of a “we.”

When I started being “her,” it felt like the world cracked open. Her birth elicited soft coos of excitement and shrieks of “oh my god!” A path appeared, one stone at a time. I went to the parties of women I respected, to concerts I wanted to hear, to conferences I wanted to learn from. I flew to see my best friends and family. I ate rich foods, read voraciously, photographed everything, and wrote it all down.

Now, on the eve of another flight, I want to share that the journey is circular—the depressive rain always gives way to a new delight. Often, the things I plan to indulge in fall on weekends when I feel soggy and want to stay home, but each month, I find myself again and burn as brightly as ever.

If you’d like to support my journey and the ever-expanding body of my books, I encourage you to check out Circular Journey’s: Black and White Tales of Travel on Amazon. Get your nose dirty in my increasingly personal, messy, beautiful journal entries. Or, if you’d like to help me continue creating, send a little cash or a present-shaped treat to my inbox.

I’m not a perfect person—in fact, I’m probably a stinky little goblin piloting a girl’s body—but I’ve loved sharing my stories with you. I look forward to the pages yet to come, and I’ll see you on book launch day.

Capture Thyme: A Photography Blog

Before the book is written...